Fun At Barnes and Noble
by stretch the faunlet
Summary: Zim and Dib explore the wonders that lie within Barnes and Noble... and of the joy of making fun of Twilight. ZADF one-shot.


_Fun at Barnes and Noble_

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><p>"Why are we doing this again, Dib-human?"<p>

"Because Zim, I want to show just how stupid books of today are."

"And I care because…?"

Boredom had its ways. Zim and Dib entered the local Barnes and Noble bookstore. After a rather long, harsh day of High Skool, Dib came up with the idea to introduce to Zim the stupidity that was being written in today's books by authors who should never have gotten their degree in English in the first place. Zim was more cautious upon entering the store, staying behind Dib rather than following next to him._ Try to be normal, _he reminded himself. _Be normal, act normal._

"Perfect example!" Dib exclaimed, startling Zim slightly. "I spot something in the corner! What could that be, Zim?"

"Uhh…" Zim shrugged. "I… I have no idea…"

"It's the worst book in the history of the world!" Dib skipped up ahead a few feet to the giant table in the middle of the front of the store. "Twilight!"

"Twi…light?" Zim blinked, confused. "Isn't that the book that the girls at Skool keep talking about?"

"Sadly, yes," Dib replied, nodding. He spotted all four books, nearly dozens of each book, bookmarks, posters, even dolls. Dib spotted a book completely based on the guy who played Edward Cullen, and his face wrinkled in disgust. He picked the book up anyway. "Zim, if you were a girl, would you find _him_ attractive?" He held the book up to Zim.

"Ew, no… I'd rather have water poured on me."

"My point exactly." Dib put the book down, then spotted a girl, about twelve, reading one of the books. "I wouldn't read that if I were you, unless you want your eyes to bleed out."

The girl glared up at him, not responding.

Zim however had picked up the book about the actor who played Edward Cullen and cringed when he looked inside. "Why would they put pictures of the guy half naked in a book? That's just embarrassing."

"I know, right? Thank God Gaz hates him and Twilight as much as I do."

"What's the book about, anyway?" Zim placed the book down on the table.

Dib stared at him carefully. "Are you sure you want to know?"

"Yes, yes, go on with it."

"Are you sure, sure…?"

"Yes, just tell ZIIIM!"

"Are you really sure…?"

"I COMMAND YOU TO TELL ZIM AT ONCE!" Zim shouted, aggravated. People gave him weird looks in which he paid no attention to.

"Okay…" Dib took a deep breath. "Well, Twilight is about…"

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><p>"…And that's basically what happens in Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn," Dib finished, after <em>two hours <em>of explanation.

Zim stared at him with wide eyes. "Why… WHY did you tell Zim that awful plot?"

"Hey, YOU asked!"

"That was…" Zim shuddered. "HORRIBLE! I didn't even READ the book and yet from everything you told me I'm disgusted by how… unrealistic the romance, if you can call it that, is in the book. And Bella sounds like a whiny smeet! And Edward sounds like… like a stalker! Who in the right mind would read such insanity written on paper?"

"Girls who haven't reached puberty yet, that's who," Dib answered. "Stephanie Meyer ruined vampires for me, that's all I have to say."

"How do you know about the book anyway?" Zim asked, eyeing Dib suspiciously.

"Remember Ms. Killian from Middle Skool?"

Zim nodded. "I do, though I didn't have her as a teacher."

"Well, she had a HUGE, and I mean massive crush on Edward Cullen, and during that year she made us read all four Twilight novels. I literally lost half of my brain cells by the time we finished Breaking Dawn at the end."

"Thank Irk I never had to read them." Zim let out a breath of relief.

Dib gave him a look. "Yeah… lucky you…" He glanced over his shoulder and smiled. "Follow me," He ordered, running off ahead.

Zim glanced around momentarily, confused, before shrugging and following after his friend.

* * *

><p>"Well, look at that." Zim and Dib stood in front of a shelf of books. Dib read the banner over the shelf aloud, "'<em>If you like the Twilight saga you might also enjoy these other books.<em>'" Dib glanced over at Zim. "Well, that's not us."

Zim laughed a little. "That's for sure."

They turned and walked away from the shelf and into the young adult section.

"Oh look!" Dib called out sarcastically. "More vampire books!"

"Who would have guessed?" Zim joked, following Dib over to the other bookshelf.

Dib read the banner on that bookshelf aloud. "_'Don't fall in love with a vampire'_." Dib turned towards Zim. "Now where have we heard that before, Zim?"

Zim pretended to be lost in thought for a moment. "You know, I can't recall at this moment."

"Me either." Dib grinned. "I've got an idea! Let's see what one of the books say!" He picked up a random book from the vampire young adult shelf and read the flap inside. "This book is called, 'Rose Thorn'."

"It already sounds AMAZING!"

"I know, right?" Dib glanced down and began to read. "Richman academy is an exclusive boarding school for the most beautiful students of all-" Dib glanced dramatically at Zim's direction. "-Vampires."

"Gasp!"

"Rose Mackenzie, the beautiful, loving, sweet, angel spawn of two vampires, has always been told that her destiny was to become-" Dib glanced, again, dramatically in Zim's direction. "-One of them."

"Destiny!"

Dib chuckled a bit and continued to read, "But Rose falls in love with Denis Tomstead, a gorgeous new exchange student from England, and the two fall in love, as soul mates." Dib looked up and held back a laugh. "Holy crap, that was the best plot ever!"

"That was amazing," Zim replied, sarcastically. "I just want to read it over and over again."

"Me too," Dib agreed, jokingly, placing the book down. "Make it millions." Dib looked around. "Now let's see…" He spotted something uninteresting but pretended to be interested. "Ooh, what's this?" He picked the book up. "This is called, 'Love Forever'."

"It already sounds so interesting!" Zim chuckled.

"I know, right?" smiling, Dib began to read the flap inside. "You are invited to the royal vampire party of the year, held at the mansion of Mr. and Mrs. Holland, along with their daughter, the beautiful and breath-taking Marie Ann, who is engaged to be married to another breath-taking, gorgeous vampire named John…" Dib peered closer at the typed words, unable to read the last name of the character. "…Schloonmaker?"

Zim began to laugh. "What?" He leaned in close to try to read the name. "What's his name?"

"Sch…Scloon…" Dib tried to pronounce the name.

"Schloon, Sculoon… What? Scloon…" Zim figured it out for himself. "Scloonmaker, I believe it is Scloonmaker."

Dib shrugged. "Whatever." He placed the book back. "Can't even read it." He looked at Zim. "Why are these people writing?" He and Zim began giggling like skool-girls. This was just to hilarious.

Dib began to search for another book to make fun of, when he spotted something. "Oh, look what we have here…" He picked the book up. "The latest horror movie!" He held the Twilight book (with Bella and Edward on the cover) up to Zim, shaking it in midair while yelling, "Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do!" Zim began laughing again.

"Look at that face!" He pointed at the depressed-looking Edward on the cover. "Doesn't that face just scream 'in love'? Look how passionately Bella and Edward look at each other! Isn't it romantic? Look at their eyes, look at that passion, look at that sparkle!" Dib let out a fake dreamy breath at the cover. Zim's laughter grew louder.

"It's just mind-blowing," Dib replied, placing the book down. "Now that was true love. How can people say that Twilight is not a great romance story?" Dib let out a fake scoff. "They have no taste, right Zim?"

Zim tried to regain his breath from laughing. "None whatsoever."

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><p>"Okay…" Dib held up two books. In one hand, he held Twilight, and in the other hand, he held Romeo and Juliet, which himself and Zim read for freshman year the year before. "Which is the better love story? Twilight, the tale of two forbidden lovers, being torn apart by one man's emo-ness, and by one girl's stupidity, or-" He waved Romeo and Juliet around in his other hand. "-Romeo and Juliet, a tale of two horny teenagers, both also just as dumb, torn apart by their two rival families?"<p>

Dib paused, spotting something behind Zim. "Hey Zim, look!" Dib pointed in the direction, and Zim turned around. "Twilight DVDs!"

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><p>"…And look-" Dib picked up a book that was next to the Twilight DVDs and held it up. "The Twilight Companion." Dib flipped through the pages. "Now, this book doesn't tell us what we already know. Like look, there's questions in the back, the vampire questions. Holy crap, this so funny, because look at this-" Dib leaned the book near Zim so that he could read along. "Who is the author of the female vampire tale called Carmilla? Stephanie Meyer… Bella Swan, Rosalile Cullen, Sheridan Le Fanu, H.P. Lovecraft, Charles Dickenson, Edgar Allen Poe." Dib opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. He was at a loss of words from the stupidity.<p>

Zim couldn't help but laugh at Dib's dumbfounded expression.

Dib held the book up again. "Are they serious with this shit?" He sighed, opening the book up again. "Look at this- Whose the name of the lead vampire in Stephen King's Salem's Lot?" Dib shook his head. "How would any of them know this considering they don't read crap? I mean, look, here are the choices- Stephen King, Edward Cullen, Bella Swan, Richard Straker, Edgar Allen Poe, YO MOMMA-"

Zim let out a laugh. That Dib really did have a sense of humor, much to his surprise.

"-Sheridan Le Fanu," Dib continued, "or Bram Stoker." Dib shook his head. "I'm done with vampires."

"Lucky for me, I never liked them anyway," Zim gloated proudly.

Dib rolled his eyes but smiled anyway.

"Anything else to say before we go?" Zim asked, already heading for the exit.

"I have one more thing to say."

"What?"

"I want popcorn."

Zim chuckled a little. "You want popcorn?"

Dib nodded. "I'm hungry."

"You're hungry?"

"Very much hungry."

"So let's go eat food now?"

Dib grinned. "Yeeeah!"

"Okay." Zim grinned back. "I better get some popcorn for Tak too, or she won't be happy."

The two friends walked out of the bookstore in search of popcorn.

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><p><strong>AN: This is ZADF. NOT ZADR. I repeat, this is a ZADF one-shot! And there's implied ZATR at the end. :D**

**some of the books Zim and Dib make fun of are fake and I made up the name and plots based on other poorly written young adult vampire novels. The only name I didn't make up was Twilight… bleh, I hate Twilight, and Zim and Dib would too. XD This is all based on a you tube video I watched, so this was fun to write! :D Enjoy! Please read and review NICELY. **


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